As walked into my bedroom yesterday, I had an epiphany. Lucy has a definite problem. This can be evidenced by the giant trail of red tissue paper, cardboard heart box, and candy wrappers that used to be my Valentine's Day present. At the end of the trail sat a dog with a stomach ache, a guilty expression, and chocolate stuck in her teeth.
She is completely, totally, and fully obsessed with food. Today we are actually calling a dog trainer but are quite concerned that he is only going to tell us that our dog is nuts. When it comes to food she becomes completely insane and Caesar himself is only a dog trainer....not a dog psychologist.
That being said, we are going to start monitoring her progress in her "obsession recovery plan". We have started a list of all of the "treats" she has somehow stolen and are airing her dirty laundry on the internet. Please note that every item on the list has only been stolen since the middle of January... a month ago.
Good luck, Lucy. We are all supporting you in your obsession recovery plan....unless you eat my presents again.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Lifelong To Do List
I've added a new element to my blog. I created this blog in order to make sure that I was living my life to the fullest. If you scan down you will see that I have created a to do list to make sure that happens. I plan on crossing items off the list and adding to it as time passes.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Many Letters
Okay. So apparently I really stink at blogging. It's been a month? Really? Okay Jessica. Get back on task.
A lot has happened in the past month. Therefore, I have decided to compose this post of a series of letters.
Dear Lucy,
In the past month you have taught me several things about pet ownership. Now that I think about it....you may be the only pet in the world most of this applies to.
1) Apparently dogs can have food allergy reactions in their EAR. When you sneak a bite of the holiday ham this is sometimes the result. The vet bill was disgusting.QUIT EATING PEOPLE FOOD.
2) You are a (crappy) guard dog and you have no attention to detail. I put that giant vase near the door months ago. There was really no reason for you to start growling in that direction at midnight when I was home alone. Vases are NOT scary people breaking into the house and I do NOT want to explain this to any 911 operators.
3) I am tired of baby-proofing my home for you; a dog. For some reason you choose ONLY those opportunities to be incredibly intelligent. QUIT getting into the pantry. The marshmallows were not for you. The chocolate chips were not for you. The Andy's mints were not for you. The gum was not for you. The last buckeye was not for you. The numerous loaves of bread you have eaten were not for you. QUIT EATING PEOPLE FOOD!
4) How else can I say it?! I have no sympathy for you. You brought this on yourself. Eating an entire container of chili seasoning was a stupid idea. Beyond that, you smell like a giant burrito.QUIT EATING PEOPLE FOOD!!!!
However, after all of that I still love you...but it's a good thing you are cute. Love, Mom.
Dear former Christmas Tree,
What on earth did we ever do to you?! We simply took you home and made you gorgeous. You fell on me in December then you decided to destroy the living room and give us hives when the holidays were over. So much for the holiday spirit! The only tree we may get next year might, very well, be a picture of a tree.
Annoyed, The lady that put you in the backyard to stay forever
Dear Buckeyes,
Thank you for finally winning a bowl game. I was beginning to become embarrassed. I love you dearly....but it was about time.
Love, the fan that, most likely, has actual buckeye DNA
Dear Best Buy,
Why did you let my husband buy the world's largest television without upgrading the cable?! For goodness sake, having high definition isn't that great when the only channels that have it are the home shopping network and the channel developed by high school kids in New Albany.
Still bored, the girl with nothing on her giant tv
Dear Judd,
You rock. You make most other husbands look pretty sucky. I love you even though you took the tv master remote to work and decided to leave it there. What would you have done if we wanted to watch the home shopping network?
I love you, the person that lives with you
A lot has happened in the past month. Therefore, I have decided to compose this post of a series of letters.
Dear Lucy,In the past month you have taught me several things about pet ownership. Now that I think about it....you may be the only pet in the world most of this applies to.
1) Apparently dogs can have food allergy reactions in their EAR. When you sneak a bite of the holiday ham this is sometimes the result. The vet bill was disgusting.QUIT EATING PEOPLE FOOD.
2) You are a (crappy) guard dog and you have no attention to detail. I put that giant vase near the door months ago. There was really no reason for you to start growling in that direction at midnight when I was home alone. Vases are NOT scary people breaking into the house and I do NOT want to explain this to any 911 operators.
3) I am tired of baby-proofing my home for you; a dog. For some reason you choose ONLY those opportunities to be incredibly intelligent. QUIT getting into the pantry. The marshmallows were not for you. The chocolate chips were not for you. The Andy's mints were not for you. The gum was not for you. The last buckeye was not for you. The numerous loaves of bread you have eaten were not for you. QUIT EATING PEOPLE FOOD!
4) How else can I say it?! I have no sympathy for you. You brought this on yourself. Eating an entire container of chili seasoning was a stupid idea. Beyond that, you smell like a giant burrito.QUIT EATING PEOPLE FOOD!!!!
However, after all of that I still love you...but it's a good thing you are cute. Love, Mom.
Dear former Christmas Tree,What on earth did we ever do to you?! We simply took you home and made you gorgeous. You fell on me in December then you decided to destroy the living room and give us hives when the holidays were over. So much for the holiday spirit! The only tree we may get next year might, very well, be a picture of a tree.
Annoyed, The lady that put you in the backyard to stay forever
Dear Buckeyes,
Thank you for finally winning a bowl game. I was beginning to become embarrassed. I love you dearly....but it was about time.
Love, the fan that, most likely, has actual buckeye DNA
Dear Best Buy,
Why did you let my husband buy the world's largest television without upgrading the cable?! For goodness sake, having high definition isn't that great when the only channels that have it are the home shopping network and the channel developed by high school kids in New Albany.
Still bored, the girl with nothing on her giant tv
Dear Judd,You rock. You make most other husbands look pretty sucky. I love you even though you took the tv master remote to work and decided to leave it there. What would you have done if we wanted to watch the home shopping network?
I love you, the person that lives with you
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